Alternatives
by La-Garce-Fille
Summary: Side story to 'Pimp My Sasuke One More Time'. "So I thought about it. I mean, maybe Gaara had the right idea. Who says you and I couldn't be kick ass Kindergarten teachers?" Becoming pimps didn't work out, but maybe becoming teachers will...
1. I Have an Idea!

Did you miss me? ;D

I want this to be clear: This is _**/NOT/**_ a squeal to 'Pimp My Sasuke One More Time!'. This is simply a side-story to fulfill any desire for silly Naruto and Sasuke good-ness.

Now, this is going to be really short. I'm thinking two to four chapters, max.

Thanks to **Katen** for giving me the idea! :D

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Naruto, I /wouldn't/ keep _**KILLING OFF **_THE FRIGGIN AKATSUKI! -bitter/not happy-

Hope you enjoy.

* * *

"Run away!" screamed a newly-teen, blond boy, dragging his companion with him into a near-by supplies closet.

The companion, also a newly-teen boy with black hair, sighed deeply and moved a 64-count box of crayons out of his butt's way to sit down. "Now what, dobe?"

The blond shrugged, plopping down on a pack of construction paper at the bottom of the closet. "To hell if I know, teme, but at least we've gotten away from those monsters."

The raven-headed boy sighed again. "Maybe we just should've done Tae Kwan Do with Neji…"

_/A FEW DAYS EARLIER…/_

"I am not going to say this again!' a man with naturally-silver hair roared to the two kids he was talking to. The man's face was mostly covered with a dark blue mask, his right eye, black in color, the only visible one. His Konoha headband concealed his left eye. However, if one knew this man, then one would know that this eye was an implanted Sharingan eye; making said man the one, the only, Hatake Kakashi. "If you two don't get rid of this ridiculous pimp idea out of your heads, I'll KILL you! Got it?"

"But, Kakashi-sensei -"

"NO BUTS!" The angry jounin grabbed his precious orange book. "Find something else to do while you're not doing missions. I mean it." With that being said, he poofed off to his porn-reading hammock in the park, leaving the two boys disappointed and unhappy.

"Stupid old perv," one of the boys grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at the ground.

The other boy sighed and grabbed his friend's arm. "C'mon, Sasuke. Let's go get some ramen."

_/Ichiraku's/ _

"Maybe Kakashi-sensei is right," the boy known as Sasuke finally allotted, sipping his green tea thoughtfully. "Maybe we should just find something else to do."

"Sounds good to me," the blond kid agreed, slurping ramen from his fifth bowl. "Do you already have something in mind?"

"Not yet, but gimme a minute to think…" Sasuke stared ahead, sipping a little more tea as he thought. After a few minutes, he snapped his fingers as an idea came to him. "Got it. We'll be exterminators."

"Exterminators? Of what, other ninja? We're gonna be, like, assassins or something?"

"No, Naruto! BUGS! We'll kill bugs for money."

The blond, Naruto, pondered that thought over while he finished up the remains of his tenth ramen bowl. "What if Shino finds out?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Then we can be assassins," he replied with a flat voice.

Naruto gasped in horror. "SASUKE! You can't be serious!"

The Uchiha prodigy chuckled and waved a hand at Naruto. "I'm not, chill out. If Shino finds out, we make something up. It'll be a piece of cake. What do you say?"

"What if this exterminator thing doesn't work out? Then what are we gonna do?"

"Cross that bridge when we get there. Are you going to do it or not?"

Naruto bounded up from his seat, smiling brightly at his best friend. "You bet, Sasuke! Let's get started!"

"Okay, let's go." Sasuke began walking away from the little ramen stand, but his buddy had other plans.

"Umm…Sasuke…?"

"You don't have any money again, do you?"

"It's not my fault Ero-sennin keeps stealing it to spend on booze and floozies!"

The little Uchiha shook his head in disgust, placed the proper amount on the counter, then walked away again; this time with the hyperactive blond next to him.

"Thanks a bunch, teme," Naruto said, patting Sasuke on the back. "I'll pay you back."

"Yeah, yeah. Don't make me any promises."

Then, the two lads trekked off to do their exterminator duties.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSN

"I don't think this is the right way to be doing this, Sasuke…"

"Shut-up. It's quick, easy, and painless. They won't feel a thing."

Sasuke was currently in the process of 'exterminating' ants with a magnifying glass. Quick, easy, and painless. Yeah right.

"Are you sure they're not feeling anything?" Naruto questioned, observing the little withering ants over Sasuke's shoulder. "Cuz they look like they're in a lot of pain…"

"Well, they're not," Sasuke retorted, moving on to the next little victim.

"Then why are they-"

"Naruto," Sasuke disrupted, still burning the little, red vermin to death. "Why do you always have to question everything I do or say? Look, I came up with this idea, so I know what I'm doing, okay? The ants are fine, there's no problem."

"If you say so…" Naruto consented, still regarding the scene with a wary expression as another ant bit the dust. Or, became dust in this case.

"What the hell are you two doing?" a mysterious voice from the trees demanded, startling the murderers.

They exchanged quick looks, already knowing who the voice belonged to, and cast their eyes to the, now-visible, owner of the voice.

He was the same age as Naruto and Sasuke, with curly, almost afro-like, brown hair, big coat, and sunglasses. Yes, he was none other than the bug-loving Aburame Shino!

Naruto and Sasuke shot up, Sasuke hiding the magnifying glass behind his back quickly, and they waved nervously. "Hi, Shino…"

Unfortunately, Mr. Shino was NOT in a happy mood. He jumped down from his perch and glared at the teammates through his dark glasses. "I'll ask again: what the hell are you two doing killing those poor, defenseless ants!"

Their eyes widened and they exchanged freaked-out looks. Shino was not one to get angry, but when he did, look out.

"Ants? What ants?" Naruto responded, clearly scared out of his little mind.

"I don't see any ants here," Sasuke added, trying to hide the murder weapon even further behind his back. "And we definitely weren't burning them with a magnifying glass."

Shino's eye twitched and he pointed into the hubbub of the village. "Go. Now."

The boys said nothing, but took off in the ordered direction, dropping the magnifying glass on the ground while Shino began to hold a funeral for all the dead ants.

The boys stopped running in the middle of the village, doubling over and panting loudly.

"I guess…that we should…find something else to do…" Sasuke stated, trying to catch his breath.

"Yeah, I guess so," Naruto agreed, also trying to catch his breath. "I'll think of something this time, teme."

The black-haired child nodded and walked off to sit under a big tree, followed by the golden-haired one.

Naruto thought and thought, attempting to come up with something fun the two could do…"GOT IT!" he exclaimed, grasping the Uchiha's arm and whisking him away to the now-largest clan compound in all of the Hidden Leaf Village.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSN

"I-I'm sorry, Naruto-kun…Neji-nii-sama is off training with his team right now."

"Okay! Thanks, Hinata!" Naruto called, towing Sasuke to the Team Gai training grounds.

Sasuke, however, was not having that. "STOP!" he commanded, tugging his teammate back toward. "I am not taking another step until I know _why_ we are going to see Neji?"

Naruto sighed in exasperation. "**Because** Neji can teach us how to do Tae Kwan Do. Now, come on!" the knuckle-headed ninja resumed his quest to go see the shining star of the most youthful team ever: Hyuuga Neji.

Meanwhile, with Team Gai, Rock Lee and Tenten trained vigorously with one another; the weapons mistress barraging the jumpsuit-clad, taijutsu expert with wave after wave of projectiles. The leader, Maito Gai, was nowhere to be found, but it could be assumed that he was training elsewhere. Or, hanging out/bothering Kakashi. And, as for Neji…

The Hyuuga prodigy was relaxing after a tough training session with Tenten under a tree. He didn't need his Byakugan to tell him that two other ninja were on their way to, more than likely, pester him. Sometimes he wondered why Uzumaki and Uchiha didn't have lives.

Neji exhaled softly as he stood to meet the year-younger brats before they made it to the training grounds. No need to have them interrupt his teammates' training when they were just looking for him.

"Oh, hey! There he is!" he heard Naruto proclaim, trailed by the sound of feet hitting the ground forcefully.

"Oi, Neji!"

"Neji."

The white-eyed ninja nodded his greetings to both boys and crossed his arms over his chest. "Can I help you two with something?"

"Neji," Naruto began, his big, blue eyes wide and hopeful. "Can you teach me and Sasuke how to do Tae Kwan Do?"

Neji blinked then a smile spread across his face. "You're willing to learn?"

"Yeah!"

"Then I'm happy to teach!" Neji motioned for his fellow genin to follow him as he lead them off to a little meadow. Once they got there, Neji placed himself in the exact middle, turning to face the best of Team 7. "Ready?"

Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other, shrugged, and nodded to their instructor.

"Alright. Just do what I do." Neji crouched slightly, his hands bared out in front of him. The boys copied the movement. "Crouching Tiger." He explained, moving again to form a new stance. He then stood straight, his feet shoulder length apart. "Riding the Horse." He changed positions again, this time turning sideways, both arms held out, making him look like he was hugging a humungo teddy-bear, and his feet a little further than shoulder length apart. "My personal favorite: Golden Neji stands on two legs."

Sasuke shook his head. "Okay. I'm done. Thanks, Neji, but this is lame. Naruto and I are gonna go now. See ya later," he grabbed Naruto's arm and dove off into the trees, ignoring the blond's protests. Neji simply shrugged and continued doing his strange Tae Kwan Do moves.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSN

The boys had retreated back to Ichiraku's.

"I don't see why we had to leave," Naruto complained, sucking down his third bowl of the chef's famous ramen. "Especially so rudely."

"Because it was _weird_," Sasuke expounded, eating a little out of his own ramen bowl. Running from angry Shinos and freaky Nejis really made you work up an appetite.

Naruto sighed as he finished his fourth bowl. "Well, what do we do now?"

"Hmm…" our favorite avenger hummed, staring intently ahead as he contemplated what the two could do with their free time now. After a minute or so, he snapped his fingers and jumped off the stool. "Got it! We have to go get some supplies!" And, with that, the two were off again.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSN

The door opened without hesitation.

Wild brown hair, big gray jacket, red face-markings, overgrown canines and a little white dog; this was obviously the home of one, Inuzuka Kiba.

"Umm…" he began, staring at the two boys before him. "Hey, Naruto. Sasuke. What are you guys doing here?" Akamaru barked in agreement to the question.

The teammates exchanged glances, silently urging the other to begin the well-rehearsed pitch. The past few houses they visited had barely allowed them to begin before doors were promptly slammed in their faces; neither wanted to be the one that screwed up and made Kiba do the same.

Meanwhile, Kiba flicked his gaze between his former classmates, raising his eyebrows in confusion. Why weren't they saying anything? What the heck was going on?

Finally tired of arguing, it was Sasuke who took a deep breath. "Good morning, sir," he began.

"It's…definitely afternoon," Kiba pointed out, still utterly confused. Akamaru cocked his head in bewilderment.

The Uchiha, however, ignored him and continued on. "How would you like to be the envy of every ninja in the village? Well, we have the perfect way for you to do it." The angsty teen nodded to his partner-in-crime, who held up a sleeve of fabric covered in kunai. "THESE are the most finely crafted kunai in all of the Fire country!"

"But, I don't need any-," Kiba tried to explain, but was out-voiced by the blond ninja.

"And they could be yours today," Naruto continued enthusiastically with a bright smile, "For the low, low, low price of $39.99!" He held the sleeve out more for better showcasing.

"BUT," Sasuke said, reaching into his pocket. "Buy within the next ten minutes and we'll throw in these titanium, **impossible** to break, shuriken for FREE!" He held the stars out and they glinted in the mid-day sun.

Kiba's eyes, once again, flicked confoundingly between the insane, smiling people on his doorstep. He glanced up at his faithful dog, who whined in uncertainty, before looking back at his visitors. "I'm…just gonna go back inside now…Bye." He stepped back inside and slowly closed the door, totally unsure of what to make of what just happened.

As yet another door closed, the genin sighed heavily and replaced the weapons upon their persons. They left the Inuzuka house and headed in the direct of (where else?) Ichiraku.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Naruto grumbled, kicking a stray pebble in his path.

"Yeah," Sasuke agreed, glaring at the ground. "Travelling salesmen; what were we thinking?"

They say ramen is good for the soul, right?

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSN

Placing another bowl on top of the growing pile and signaling for another, Naruto sighed. "What now?"

Sasuke sighed, too. "I don't know."

"We could go and hang out with Iruka-sensei," Naruto suggested, finishing off his glass of milk and rubbing his full belly. "Maybe he can give us some ideas. Classes should be done by now."

At the word 'classes', the broody avenger had a sudden flashback that made all the difference.

It was months ago, during their man-whore search, in the Kazekage office in Suna…

"_**I'll get to that in a moment. Anyway, a month ago, Naruto and I decided to actually go through with my idea. And…well….it didn't work out so well. We kept almost getting killed."**_

"_**Ah. So, you wanted to try and be a kindergarten teacher?"**_

_Try and be a Kindergarten teacher…_

_Kindergarten teacher…_

"Naruto! I got it! I know what we can do to waste time!"

"What, Sasuke? What?"

"We can be Kindergarten teachers!"

There was a short pause between the boys, broken by Naruto's confusion-laced, "What?"

"When we were in Suna, and I was trying to recruit Gaara into our male pimp circle, he thought I was talking about us becoming Kindergarten teachers. So I thought about it. I mean, maybe Gaara had the right idea. Who says you and I couldn't be kick ass Kindergarten teachers?"

As Naruto considered the idea, his grin grew more and more until it covered his entire face. "You're right, teme. We would be the most awesome Kindergarten teachers ever!"

The boys high-fived one another, paid for their meal, and dashed off to the academy to offer their services in the Kindergarten class.

* * *

And, so, the trouble begins…

Okay, so, chapter 1.

I know it's not very interesting, but you have to have the back story before the fun can actually begin.

BTB, those Tae Kwan Do moves…made them up. So, please don't go to a Tae Kwan Do class and try to do Neji-moves. It's not gonna turn out well.

They're gonna start teaching in the next chapter, so if you want the boys to do anything...funny with the class, I'm open to ideas. Just tell me in your review or PM me.

Next chapter out…soon, hopefully. I have to go back to school tomorrow, so no promises. Read and Review, but no flames; they're lame and I ignore them. :D

-LGF ;)


	2. Congratulations, Boys

Hi, everyone!

I know, I didn't update soon at all, but I got busy…

I'm sorry this one's SUPER short. It's more like a filler before the fun stuff actually happens.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Sasuke wouldn't grow up to be a stupid jerk. He'd stay cute and angsty forever. -nod-

Enjoy!

* * *

"Let me get this straight," Umino Iruka, academy teacher, began, eying the two boys across from him dubiously. "You two want to offer your services to us and volunteer to be the teachers for our kindergarten class?"

"That's right, Iruka-sensei," Naruto answered, smiling widely.

"Why?"

"Because Naruto and I can be the best Kindergarten teachers ever," Sasuke responded, smirking as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"That, and we're bored," Naruto added.

"No, no," Iruka continued, pure puzzlement etched on his tanned face. "I meant **why** the Kindergarteners? _**NOBODY**_ likes to deal with those little monsters."

Sasuke waved his hand at the older man. "Eh. They can't be that bad."

"But, Sasuke, I really think you and Naruto should-"

"Listen, Iruka," the Uchiha interrupted rudely, "Why don't you just go back to your little classroom with your little children and let me and Naruto handle the 'scary' Kindergarteners."

It is totally understandable that Sasuke had often annoyed the hell out of the chuunin teacher with his larger-than-life arrogance while sitting in his "little classroom". What better opportunity to knock him down a few pegs than to let him and his blond counterpart take on the rambunctious brats? At this thought, a small smile formed on the brunette's face. "You know what, Sasuke," he placated, standing up from his chair. The boys followed promptly. "You're right. I mean, I'm not a Kindergarten teacher. What the hell do I know about what they're like? I think you and Naruto will do a great job with them."

The boys high-fived each other but quickly turned professional as they shook hands with their new boss. "We won't let you down, Iruka-sensei," Naruto promised.

"No," Iruka replied, his small smile growing wider. "I'm sure you won't."

"When do we start?" Sasuke queried excitedly. Oh, if only he knew what was in store…

"Tomorrow morning. I'll expect you two here at seven. Classes start at seven-thirty."

"Gotcha!" the boys gave their quick words of thanks before bolting out the door to tell…somebody about their newest job.

_**/Later That Evening../**_

Iruka was enjoying a nice bowl of miso ramen at his favorite ramen bar: Ichiraku's. He had just taken his first slurp when there was a sudden puff of gray smoke, signaling the arrival of one lazy jounin.

"Yo."

"Hello, Kakashi."

"So," Kakashi began, flipping another page of his favorite, pervy book. "I hear you're letting Naruto and Sasuke take over the Kindergarten class."

"That's right." the chuunin took another slurp.

"You do realize they'll be scarred for life, right?"

Iruka turned his big, brown eyes to the older man, smirking evilly. "That's the plan, Kakashi. That's the plan."

Kakashi made no response for a moment, but then shook his head. "Remind to never get on your bad side, Iruka."

"You got it. Want some ramen?" He was going to regret this…

"Your treat, I'll assume?" You couldn't see it, but the silver-haired man's crinkled eye told you he was smiling.

"Yeah, I guess. As long as you don't go overboard."

The two shinobi enjoyed their dinner in silence, contemplating how bad tomorrow's adventure can turn out.

* * *

Again, I apologize for the /extreme/ shortness. I just didn't want to leave you guys hanging for too long. It's the end of the year and life is getting hectic. :x

I'm in need of some funny and/or entertaining things to happen when the boys start teaching, so if you could give me some ideas, that'd be great. I'll give you some Twizzlers if you do. :D

Anyway, be sure to leave a review. But no flames; I'm not in a particularly good mood, so I'll end up saying something bitchy.

'Til next time, babes! ;)


	3. Kindergarten 'K'atastrophe

Sorry for the delay, everyone. I won't bother giving excuses.

Happy Fourth of July for the Americans out there. :D

And, if you've ever wondered what the hell happened between Sasuke and Taco Bell (See 'Pimp My Sasuke One More Time', Ch. 4, if you're confused), just wait until story time. ;D

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto. I couldn't afford to feed him…I don't own Taco Bell, either.

Enjoy!

* * *

"Why the hell does school have to start so damn early?" Naruto grumbled, rubbing at his sleepy eyes.

"Well," Sasuke began, stretching his arms over his head, "they don't call it a torture zone for nothing."

"Good morning, boys," Iruka greeted, waving cheerily. "I'm glad you made it on time. The kids should start arriving any moment." The chuunin guided the new 'teachers' to the Kindergarten classroom.

The walls were a dim, beige color with twenty or thirty little desks in straight rows, large walkways in the middle and between the rows. The wall on the right was covered be a shelf of cubbies for the children's supplies and such. The left wall was stocked with shelf upon shelf of toys. The back of the room was open and spacious, with a large green, blue and red patterned rug and a rocking chair. The area was obviously used for story time. The front of the class was dominated with a long chalk board that spanned the whole wall, accompanied by a medium-sized brown desk for the teacher. There was even a little gray chair situated in a corner with a sign above it reading 'Time-Out'.

"Well, this is it," Iruka said, breaking the silence that had enveloped them. "Just let the kids get settled, introduce yourselves, call role, and then the floor is yours. The kids know the rules, so there shouldn't be too many problems, but, if there are, you'll have to take care of them. I'm afraid that there are no near-by teachers; they all moved to the other buildings."

"Why?" Naruto questioned, cocking his head to the side.

"Umm…they just thought that the older kids shouldn't be near the Kindergarteners. You know, bad influences and everything…"

The boys exchanged a look of confusion, but shrugged, silently deciding that it wasn't that big of a deal.

"Good luck, you two. I'll see you later." Iruka waved once before poofing out of the room, leaving the excited genin to take care of their very own class.

The youngsters ambled in, sending curious glances at their 'teachers', before taking their seats. After introductions had been done and role call accomplished, it was time to start the first activity of the day.

"Okay, everybody," Naruto called, garnering the class' attention. "Today, we're gonna start with drawing!"

The children rejoiced loudly, all jumping up and grabbing their art supplies from their cubbies. It took no time for them to commence with their drawings: some sketching really bad pictures of dogs or cats, others doodling flowers or houses, and one little boy who decided to depict his view on the raven-haired teacher…

"HEY! My hair looks NOTHING like a chicken's butt!"

The little boy looked at his drawing, to Sasuke's head, then the drawing once more before looking back at the fuming Uchiha, replying, "Says _you_, Mr. Chicken-Butt-Head," and continuing with it.

The teen flounced over to the teacher's desk, plopping down into the seat, crossing his arms and muttering a few choice words in regards to the kid.

The rest of drawing time went rather smoothly; no more interpretations of Sasuke's hairstyle were brought to life, and the kids put all of their things away, awaiting for their next activity to be announced.

The blonde nudged his partner in the side, wordlessly telling him that the next endeavor was his to choose. Sasuke sighed heavily and glanced around the room for an idea. He waved his hand lazily in the direction of the toys and said, "Play time."

Well, if the kids were excited about drawing time, they were absolutely ecstatic about play time. They rushed over to the toy shelves, extracting their favorite things and enjoying their favorite time of day.

However, the peace and tranquility of play time was interrupted by a mean little red-haired girl with pig-tails. She pushed a couple kids out of her way and ripped a, rather cute, doll right out of the hands of another little girl. The girl started crying, so the red-haired girl pushed her down and saunter away to her desk.

Never being one to stand idly by and watch someone else get picked on, the ramen-loving ninja shot up from his seat and stomped his way over to the little thief. He tore the doll out of the girl's hands, tossed it back to the original owner of it, and matched the glare of the little red-head. "Get into time-out this instance, young lady!" He ordered, pointing the little girl to the little gray chair in the corner.

The girl just crossed her arms over her chest. "Oh, yeah?" she challenged, narrowing her brown eyes even further at the hyperactive adolescent. "And what're you gonna do if I don't?"

Naruto blinked a couple of times before a sly smile crossed his semi-tan features. "I'm gonna call your mom."

The girl gasped. "You wouldn't dare!"

"And what're you gonna do if I did?" he mocked.

"I would unleash the power of the **pink marshmallows of DOOM **on you!" she exclaimed, reaching under her desk for her lunch pail and pulling the little bag of the soft, pink treats out to prove her point.

"AHHHHHH! Not the pink marshmallows of DOOM! Anything but that!" he sobbed loudly, running to the desk and clinging onto his raven-haired companion for support.

"Naruto. Get a hold of yourself, dude," Sasuke demanded, pulling the still-sobbing blonde off of him. "She's just a kid with some marshmallows."

"But…the pink marshmallows of DOOM, Sasuke!"

The little red-haired girl just smirked evilly at the young Uzumaki, popping a marshmallow into her mouth.

With play time not going over as smoothly as they had hoped, the boys had the class reconvene so that the next planned action could be announced.

"Can we have story time?" one of the kids asked loudly, the others quickly agreeing.

The young shinobi shrugged and motioned for the class to meet in the back for story time.

"What story are you gonna tell us, Uzumaki and Uchiha-san?"

Sasuke settled himself into the rocking chair and placed his laced hands onto his lap. "I am gonna tell you kids about a personal experience I once had that changed my life forever."

A chorus of 'ooh's and 'ah's went around the room as Naruto sighed and shook his head, knowing all too well what story his teammate was talking about.

The clan-survivor cleared his throat and began his account. "It was a dark and stormy night in Konoha, and I-"

"It doesn't storm in Konoha, Uchiha-san," the little red-haired girl with pig-tails pointed out.

The raven-haired teen's eye twitched. He was getting tired of hearing that. "It is MY story and it will storm if I damn well want it to, GOT IT!"

"Yes, sir," she squeaked, trying to hide behind her little hands.

"Alright. Dark and stormy night in Konoha. I was sitting in my room, alone as always-"

"Brooding over his dead family," Naruto added, smiling brightly.

The same smile was nowhere near Sasuke's face. "I will KILL you, dobe," he seethed.

"Sorry, teme."

"Anyway. I was sitting in my room alone when I was suddenly hit with a very strong feeling."

A little brunette boy with freckles raised his hand.

"What?"

"Was the feeling sadness cuz all of your family died?"

The eye twitched again.

"Was it love for some girl you've liked for a long time?" asked a little blonde girl.

"Was it sleepiness cuz it was late at night and storming?" came from some boy with glasses.

"Was it gas?" elicited a lot of giggles and totally eradicated the Uchiha's patience.

"It was HUNGER, dammit!" he screamed, standing rapidly from his chair and sending death glares to the frightened children. "Interrupt one more time, and I'll make sure you don't exist anymore." He sat down slowly, making sure his message got across, before continuing the bizarre tale. "I got hungry. I decided that I wanted tacos, so I grabbed my coat and ventured out into the raging storm.

"Twenty minutes of wandering, I finally spotted the glowing, neon sign of my destination. I made a mad dash to the front door, reveling in the beauty that was Taco Bell." He paused here, recalling the moment with a small, serene smile upon his pale face. The smile faded, however, and was replaced with a cold and angry expression. "I strolled up to the counter and placed my order for a Gordita Baja, nachos, and a large Coke. After paying the lady, I went to sit at a table and wait for my mouthwatering order.

"Well, when my name was called, I retrieved my order and whisked it back to my table. I opened the bag unhurriedly, taking in the wonderful scent exuding from inside. I had just pulled everything out when I realized it."

The entirety of the class was so enthralled with Sasuke's tale that they leaned forward ever-so-slightly toward him, anxious for what he had realized.

"What sat before me was _**NOT**_ my Gordita Baja, but a Gordita Nacho Cheese! I was enraged! Who the hell did these jerks think they were, giving ME the wrong order? I grabbed the offending piece of food and stormed back up to the counter. I slammed it down, glowering at the cashier. I demanded that she get my order fixed that second or I would slaughter her, pulling out my kunai as a back-up for my claim. She then had the nerve to call **security**! Well, I wasn't standing for _**that**_**!** I grabbed little packets of hot sauce, sliced them open, and started throwing them at the security guys! They all fell to the ground, screaming about their eyes being on fire. I took my moment of opportunity to laugh maniacally, but, as I was doing so, they had recovered and proceeded to drag me out of the establishment, tossing me out into the never-ending rain. I told them that I was never going back there ever again and that I hoped they were put out of business for their lack of meeting customer needs."

The children nodded, soaking in the new information about Taco Bell. A few moments of silence had passed when a little boy raised his hand high into the air. "When's snack time?"

The boys exchanged looks before Naruto responded, "I guess there isn't a snack time."

Wrong thing to say.

Like it had been rehearsed, twenty or so little heads turned simultaneously toward the blonde ninja, angered looks in their little eyes. "No. Snack. Time?" they practically growled.

Then, all hell broke loose in the Kindergarten classroom.

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Looks like the story will conclude next chapter. I hope you enjoyed the boys' first (and only) day of being Kindergarten teachers!

Everyone that reviews gets their very own bag of 'pink marshmallows of DOOM' to scare their friends with. :D

-LGF ;)


	4. All's Well That Ends Well

Again, I won't bother explaining…However, I do apologize. Profusely.

Anyway, here's the final chapter of 'Alternatives'! Hope everyone has enjoyed the insanity that is Naruto and Sasuke /NOT/ attempting to be pimps. :D

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Naruto, everyone would do the Numa Numa dance. -pause- Sorry, I'm listening to it right now…

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"_When's snack time?"_

_The boys exchanged looks before Naruto responded, "I guess there isn't a snack time."_

_Wrong thing to say._

_Like it had been rehearsed, twenty or so little heads turned simultaneously toward the blond ninja, angered looks in their little eyes. "No. Snack. Time?" they practically growled._

_Then, all hell broke loose in the Kindergarten classroom._

"Run away!" screamed the blond boy, dragging his companion with him into a near-by supplies closet.

The little angsty, raven-haired boy sighed deeply and moved a 64-count box of crayons out of his butt's way to sit down. "Now what, dobe?"

Naruto shrugged, plopping down on a pack of construction paper at the bottom of the closet. "To hell if I know, teme, but at least we've gotten away from those monsters."

Sasuke sighed again. "Maybe we just should've done Tae Kwan Do with Neji…"

"Well, too late now." Naruto paused. "What do you think they're doing out there?"

Sasuke stared intently at the door to the closet for a little while before replying, "I don't know, and I don't want to."

Outside the safety of the closet, the Kindergarteners were wreaking havoc on the classroom. Cubbies were flying around the room, toys splayed all over the floor, art supplies strewn about and desks and chairs turned over and under and everyway anyone can think of. The children were running around the room, "war"-paint on their little chubby faces and uncapped markers held tightly in their hands. They screamed and cried in glee and excitement, not the least bit concerned that their 'teachers' had vanished.

"WHAT THE _**HELL**_ IS GOING ON IN HERE!"

At once, all the children stopped and turned their undivided attention to the doorway, where there stood one pissed off chuunin.

Iruka didn't know if he could be more livid. He could admit he didn't have much faith in the boys at first. After all, with Naruto's lack of responsibility and Sasuke's lack of giving a damn, anyone would doubt their ability to take care of twenty five-year-olds at once (give or take). So, he had spied on them most of the morning, just to see how they were handling their job. When it came to story time, the brunette ninja deemed it safe to go to his office to grade some papers; it wasn't like the angsty Uchiha's story was going to be anything he wanted to listen to. However, not ten minutes later, the deafening ruckus began and Iruka practically sprinted to find out what the problem was.

Fists clenched at his sides, he scanned the dead-silent room multiple times, his ire increasing ten-fold when he couldn't see what (or better, **who**) he was looking for. Taking a deep breath, Iruka easily gave the frightened children his best 'Teacher Glare'. "Where are they?"

Twenty little fingers rapidly pointed to the unobtrusive supply closet in the back corner of the room.

Wordlessly, the still-angry brunette pointed towards the desks and the Kindergarteners sat down obediently; weapons and war-paint still in place. He stalked over to the cabinet, ripping the door open and causing the younger ninja to fall out. One look at their former sensei was enough to terrify the hell out of them. Iruka lifted them off the ground by the scruff of their necks, dragging them to the door so they could go and have a 'chat'. He glanced over his shoulder at the class, growling, "Move and you DIE", before slamming the door. He made a mental note to apologize for his rude behavior, but, for the moment, he had some things to say.

Once back at the Umino's office, the boys hurriedly sat themselves in front of the desk without bidding, opting to not anger the older man any further. They were probably already going to die. Slowly.

Trying to calm down, Iruka moved painstakingly to the chair behind his desk. Easing down, he felt all the rage he had tried to expel return as he looked at the two morons in front of him. Upon that though, he sighed; what did he expect? He had known better. Ultimately, he knew he was the one to blame here.

"Should I even _**bother**_ letting either of you talk your way out of this?" He cut his eyes, flipping his stare between them and watching them shift nervously.

There was a long silence before Sasuke, ever the fighter, said, "No one told us about snack time!" He huffed childishly, crossing his arms and glaring past his former sensei.

"Yeah!" his hyperactive friend agreed, pouting. "How were we supposed to know they'd get all angry and start some kind of riot over peanut butter crackers and apple juice?"

Iruka could feel his eye twitch. They didn't know they were responsible for **snack time** when they were, essentially, baby-sitting a room full of five-year-olds? Oh, why hadn't he listened to himself in the first place? Uzimaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke were NEVER ready to be teachers in any form.

This reminded him that the terrors were still by themselves, which could prove to be a dangerous situation, so he lifted himself from the desk with resignation. He crossed his arms and gave a stern look to the young shinobi, a scowl marring his face. "Don't move. Don't talk. Don't even _breathe_ if you can help it. I'm going to find someone to watch the kids and then I'm going to decide what your punishment is for screwing this up so badly." He poofed out without another word and the boys sighed in slight relief.

"Oh, man, teme," Naruto began, obviously ignoring _that_ particular order, shaking his head. "I thought Iruka-sensei was seriously gonna kill us!"

"For a second, dobe," Sasuke replied, actually looking worried for their safety. "So did I."

The knuckle-headed ninja glanced nervously out the window in the room. "What do you think he's gonna do to us? Huh?"

"I hope nothing too bad. I mean, I haven't gotten the opportunity to kill my bastard brother yet; I can't die before I do that." This caused the raven-haired avenger to frown.

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, their illegal conversation was quickly ended by the appearance of the gray smoke that signaled Iruka's return. The boys sat ram-rod straight in their chairs, mentally preparing for the worst. Though the chuunin looked angry and annoyed, he didn't look quite as murderous as he had before he left, so they took that as a good sign.

"I'm not telling Lady Hokage about this," he began, glowering slightly. The truth was, if he told her, he'd be ratting himself out, too, and the last thing he wanted was to be in trouble alongside his past students. "However, that doesn't mean _**I**_ won't be giving you some kind of punishment. Not only did the both of you destroy my trust in your abilities to be responsible, there's a lot of property damage that has to be accounted for. While I'm disappointed in myself for being so foolish, I'm even more disappointed in you boys for making me feel this way. This goes without saying, but…" he paused, meeting the shamed stares of Naruto and Sasuke. "You will never get to be teachers at this academy EVER again."

Having been properly castigated, Iruka dismissed the teens from his office, informing them to report to his office in the morning to begin their penance.

_/Ichiraku's/_

"I sure am glad Iruka-sensei decided not to tell Tsunade-baa-chan," Naruto stated around a mouthful of ramen.

Sasuke scowled at his companion's apparent lack of manners. "Could you **not** do that?" he requested, taking a slow sip of his tea. "And he didn't not tell her for _our_ benefit, stupid."

The blond paused. "What do you mean, teme?"

The Uchiha sighed. "Think about it, Naruto. If he went and told her about it, she'd want to know WHO let us do it in the first place, right? He'd rat himself out if he tried to get us in trouble." He shook his head. Naruto was so dense sometimes.

The Kyuubi-container took a moment to let that sink in. As realization dawned on his face, he let out a long, "Ohhhh" to accompany it. Shrugging, he went back to his precious ramen, "Oh, well. I'm glad anyway."

"You're an idiot, do you know that?"

The bowl was slammed down. "Well **you're** an emo!"

"I'd take no emotions to no brain!" A triumphant smirk.

"Oh, yeah? Well…infinity times infinity to the one millionth!"

"Oh, yeah? Well- wait…What?" Confusion was very evident on the little Uchiha's pale face.

"Exactly." The blond grinned cheekily, happy with his victory.

"That didn't even make any sense!"

"It's right, so it doesn't have to." Naruto stretched his arms high above his head. "Well, my belly's all full and I'm sleepy, so I say we head home!" He stood from the stool.

Deciding to let the argument go, Sasuke stood as well. "Yeah, we were up pretty early today." He made to leave the restaurant when his teammate called his name.

"Uhh…Sasuke…?"

"Oh, not again!"

"I'll pay you back, Sasuke-teme! Promise!"

"You ALWAYS say that!"

So, after trying (and failing) to become pimps of both women AND men, exterminators, Tae Kwan Do masters, traveling salesmen, and, finally, Kindergarten teachers, it seems the only thing Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke are going to be doing in their free time for a while is whatever the hell Iruka decides to make them do as reparation…

They probably just should've stuck to being ninja!

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FINALLY FINISHED! -dies-

I hope everyone enjoyed the insanity. I'm just glad I finally got this story completed after God-knows how long. XD

Review if you will.

-LGF ;)


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